“Sub-human” celebrities and “unpalatable horseshit” are the raison d’être of this “abominable” television program, thanks in no small part to its “mouth-breathing” hosts, Rachael Ray and Guy Fieri. Viewers will be relieved they can’t yet “smell what they’re watching” as the “undulating stink lines” emanating from both the food and the personalities compete to “empty the stomach and the bowels” the fastest; “cancelling your cable entirely” is highly recommended, as is joining your “still-glowing television” in a “bathtub full of running water.”

I wrote a Zagat review of the final two episodes of Rachael Vs. Guy: Celebrity Cook-Off for Grantland. I also wrote thousands of other words. Please read.

“Sub-human” celebrities and “unpalatable horseshit” are the raison d’être of this “abominable” television program, thanks in no small part to its “mouth-breathing” hosts, Rachael Ray and Guy Fieri. Viewers will be relieved they can’t yet “smell what they’re watching” as the “undulating stink lines” emanating from both the food and the personalities compete to “empty the stomach and the bowels” the fastest; “cancelling your cable entirely” is highly recommended, as is joining your “still-glowing television” in a “bathtub full of running water.”

I wrote a Zagat review of the final two episodes of Rachael Vs. Guy: Celebrity Cook-Off for Grantland. I also wrote thousands of other words. Please read.

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