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Notes
Posted 4 months ago
HBO rings in Black History Month with THE BOOK OF ELI. 

HBO rings in Black History Month with THE BOOK OF ELI. 

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Posted 4 months ago
“Sub-human” celebrities and “unpalatable horseshit” are the raison d’être of this “abominable” television program, thanks in no small part to its “mouth-breathing” hosts, Rachael Ray and Guy Fieri. Viewers will be relieved they can’t yet “smell what they’re watching” as the “undulating stink lines” emanating from both the food and the personalities compete to “empty the stomach and the bowels” the fastest; “cancelling your cable entirely” is highly recommended, as is joining your “still-glowing television” in a “bathtub full of running water.” I wrote a Zagat review of the final two episodes of Rachael Vs. Guy: Celebrity Cook-Off for Grantland. I also wrote thousands of other words. Please read. Zoom

“Sub-human” celebrities and “unpalatable horseshit” are the raison d’être of this “abominable” television program, thanks in no small part to its “mouth-breathing” hosts, Rachael Ray and Guy Fieri. Viewers will be relieved they can’t yet “smell what they’re watching” as the “undulating stink lines” emanating from both the food and the personalities compete to “empty the stomach and the bowels” the fastest; “cancelling your cable entirely” is highly recommended, as is joining your “still-glowing television” in a “bathtub full of running water.”

I wrote a Zagat review of the final two episodes of Rachael Vs. Guy: Celebrity Cook-Off for Grantland. I also wrote thousands of other words. Please read.

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Notes
Posted 4 months ago
Have you been wondering what Luke from the OC was up to? Me neither! But he starred in Butterfly Effect 3: Revelations and I wrote about it for Grantland.  Zoom

Have you been wondering what Luke from the OC was up to? Me neither! But he starred in Butterfly Effect 3: Revelations and I wrote about it for Grantland. 

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Posted 4 months ago

(Source: kittenpants)

via mtobey
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Posted 5 months ago

I recapped the first episode of Rachael vs. Guy: Celebrity Cook-Off. I am worried about Aaron Carter.

Quote 8
Notes
Posted 5 months ago

10 Things Into Which Bradley Cooper Will Stick His Thing

1. Rooney Mara
2. Jessica Chastain
3. A Bottle of Self-Tanner
4. A Homemade Egg-White Omelet
5. Chris Pine
6. His Own Mouth
7. The Hangover Monkey But As a Joke
8. The Business Section of Le Monde
9. One of His Old Wigs
10. Olivia Munn’s Emmy

I participated in Grantland’s Fearless (But Not Insane) Predictions for 2012.
Quote 36
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Posted 5 months ago
10:37am. Realize that how good you are feeling is not an absence of a hangover, it is the fact that you are still drunk. And it’s wearing off, so the real pain begins now. Take off your sweater and pants. (You clearly slept in your clothes on top of your covers.) Draw the shades. Sleep restlessly for two more hours.

A Step-By-Step Cure To Your New Year’s Day Hangover | Max Silvestri for Bon Appétit

Hi I wrote this please read.

via ratsoff
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Notes
Posted 5 months ago
Top Chef MahjongIf this is Mahjong, we don’t want to be right. ?  Zoom

Top Chef Mahjong

If this is Mahjong, we don’t want to be right.

? 

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Notes
Posted 5 months ago

Varicose Jeans?

wtfismikewearing:

Ice in his veins. Veins in his jeans.

I really approve of this website dedicated to Michael Jordan dressed terribly.

via wtfismikewearing
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Posted 5 months ago
[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]

toddbarry:

CAUGHT ON TAPE! PILOT TALKING TO PASSENGERS ABOUT LOUIS C.K.

This is nuts. I was on a flight to my vacation home. Suddenly the pilot gets on the P.A and starts talking about Louis C.K! Luckily I’d been transcribing jokes at the time, so my digital recorder was on. I caught the whole thing!

via toddbarry
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Posted 5 months ago
Queue Review: Louis Gossett Jr. in The Lamp While I rarely trust the opinions of the Netflix user community, sometimes the member reviews are exactly what draw me in. It certainly worked in the case of The Lamp. “5 Stars: They had me at Louis Gossett Jr! Wonderful cast, wonderful story and something the whole family can learn from.” You had me at they had me at Louis Gossett Jr.! Mr. Gossett Jr. is a notorious deal-closer in Hollywood. They say only two men’s names can get a project green-lit regardless of the content of the cost: Steven Spielberg, and Louis Gossett Jr. “Say no more. Sold.” That is what the fat cats in Tinselwood say when someone pitches them a movie starring Louis Gossett Jr.Unfortunately for me and all the other Gossettheads out there, there’s not nearly enough of him in this movie. It is mostly Jason London looking puffy-faced, both from crying and yelling and also probably other non-movie-related things. Man, there is so much crying and yelling. Netflix places this movie squarely in the “Family Features” and “Movies for ages 11 to 12” categories, and it is mostly a painful, heart-wrenching story about how grief can haunt and poison all your living relationships. Fun! What exactly makes that for families? That it is poorly acted and occasionally features a lamp and children playing baseball? I barely felt comfortable watching this movie, and I’m a grown-up with no dependents. Zoom

Queue Review: Louis Gossett Jr. in The Lamp

While I rarely trust the opinions of the Netflix user community, sometimes the member reviews are exactly what draw me in. It certainly worked in the case of The Lamp. “5 Stars: They had me at Louis Gossett Jr! Wonderful cast, wonderful story and something the whole family can learn from.” You had me at they had me at Louis Gossett Jr.! Mr. Gossett Jr. is a notorious deal-closer in Hollywood. They say only two men’s names can get a project green-lit regardless of the content of the cost: Steven Spielberg, and Louis Gossett Jr. “Say no more. Sold.” That is what the fat cats in Tinselwood say when someone pitches them a movie starring Louis Gossett Jr.

Unfortunately for me and all the other Gossettheads out there, there’s not nearly enough of him in this movie. It is mostly Jason London looking puffy-faced, both from crying and yelling and also probably other non-movie-related things. Man, there is so much crying and yelling. Netflix places this movie squarely in the “Family Features” and “Movies for ages 11 to 12” categories, and it is mostly a painful, heart-wrenching story about how grief can haunt and poison all your living relationships. Fun! What exactly makes that for families? That it is poorly acted and occasionally features a lamp and children playing baseball? I barely felt comfortable watching this movie, and I’m a grown-up with no dependents.

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Notes
Posted 6 months ago
We Found It on Watch Instantly: Wesley Snipes in Game of Death The title of the movie led me to believe I was in for Saw-style puzzle-traps, or at least some Hard Target-esque drifter-hunting. (Man is the most dangerous game of all.) Sadly, neither was the case. In fact, after watching this movie, I’m unclear on what exactly the game of death was. Certainly, lots of people die in the movie, but mostly in pretty routine CIA-versus-corrupt-CIA shootouts. (I did not think the CIA involved itself so intensely with domestic criminal matters, but I am willing to allow this movie was not 100 percent accurate in its depiction of federal jurisdictions.)Is being in the CIA a game of death? Is death what one uses to play this game, or is it the outcome? I wouldn’t call Russian Roulette a game of death, for example. It’s a game of firing a gun at your brain; death is just a frequent result. Or maybe death is the currency of this game? Is poker a game of chips or of cards? Is the film saying the very act of living is a game of death? Or perhaps going to Detroit, where this film is set, is the realest game of death of all. My newest Queue Review over on Grantland. Please read! This movie is stupid. Zoom

We Found It on Watch Instantly: Wesley Snipes in Game of Death

The title of the movie led me to believe I was in for Saw-style puzzle-traps, or at least some Hard Target-esque drifter-hunting. (Man is the most dangerous game of all.) Sadly, neither was the case. In fact, after watching this movie, I’m unclear on what exactly the game of death was. Certainly, lots of people die in the movie, but mostly in pretty routine CIA-versus-corrupt-CIA shootouts. (I did not think the CIA involved itself so intensely with domestic criminal matters, but I am willing to allow this movie was not 100 percent accurate in its depiction of federal jurisdictions.)

Is being in the CIA a game of death? Is death what one uses to play this game, or is it the outcome? I wouldn’t call Russian Roulette a game of death, for example. It’s a game of firing a gun at your brain; death is just a frequent result. Or maybe death is the currency of this game? Is poker a game of chips or of cards? Is the film saying the very act of living is a game of death? Or perhaps going to Detroit, where this film is set, is the realest game of death of all.

My newest Queue Review over on Grantland. Please read! This movie is stupid.

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Posted 6 months ago
Hi friends! I am doing a new “humor” column on the very excellent Grantland website called Queue Review. Each week I look at the new stuff added to Netflix Watch Instantly and review the weirdest one. The first week I did My Fake Fiance starring Melissa Joan Hart and Joey Lawrence, and last week I did an insane screwball comedy called The Last Request, about a priest whose dying dad forces him to get laid. Please read! These movies are terrible. There will be a new one every Wednesday night.  Zoom

Hi friends! I am doing a new “humor” column on the very excellent Grantland website called Queue Review. Each week I look at the new stuff added to Netflix Watch Instantly and review the weirdest one. The first week I did My Fake Fiance starring Melissa Joan Hart and Joey Lawrence, and last week I did an insane screwball comedy called The Last Request, about a priest whose dying dad forces him to get laid. Please read! These movies are terrible.

There will be a new one every Wednesday night. 

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Notes
Posted 6 months ago
How to Host Your Parents for Thanksgiving I wrote a thing for GQ about how to have your parents over for Thanksgiving and fake like you’re an adult, even though you aren’t.

How to Host Your Parents for Thanksgiving

I wrote a thing for GQ about how to have your parents over for Thanksgiving and fake like you’re an adult, even though you aren’t.

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Notes
Posted 6 months ago
I am very honored to be in the Lowbrow/Brilliant corner of the New York Magazine Approval Matrix this week. My dad happened to call just when I saw it and he was supportive though confused about me being on “a corner of the approval mattress.” (I have not mentioned on here that I am recapping Top Chef for Eater again. Please read if you like that show and don’t if you don’t.

I am very honored to be in the Lowbrow/Brilliant corner of the New York Magazine Approval Matrix this week. My dad happened to call just when I saw it and he was supportive though confused about me being on “a corner of the approval mattress.”

(I have not mentioned on here that I am recapping Top Chef for Eater again. Please read if you like that show and don’t if you don’t.